Around midnight , maybe one, my mom answered the phone with a shriek once she found out my cousin was killed. My brother and I ran out of the room and crumbled when she cried out what had happened. My uncle gave us the news. His dad. So that was my Christmas night.

His mom went to the hospital and left with his boots. Some thugs, rivals shot him in a club in South Georgia. To this day I can't imagine how far gone someone has to be to kill on Christmas . Whether they are agnostic or not, the idea that a day of joy and celebration can completely mean nothing to someone just astounds me.

We buried him on New Year's Day, maybe the day after. The wake broke me. I couldn't think .... I still see him laying there so still. I saw the Chris I knew not the one in his latter life. The Chris I knew was goofy, competitive, always full of life. I heard he had drifted the older he got which I didn't know.  

Stop Snitching has been so engraved into our DNA that it feels often black lives matter only when taken by a foreign enemy.
I don't know that person. But him laying there I saw my cousin , not a rival. He was a father. His daughter is his spitting image. That's the person I saw. That little girl will never know her dad. She'll know his name, but not him. And that's beyond sad.

In high school I remember watching a "Stop Snitching" video. To summarize, if you see something don't say anything especially to the cops. It's this unspoken word in our community some type of creed to the streets whatever those entail. Anytime I think of Black Lives Matter I think of that video. The gap is huge. With BLM it's a movement to hold accountable any racial bias and systematic segregation and to bring those who take advantage of their gift of whiteness which often is the American Dream to attain a level of whiteness, specifically male whiteness that you are able to freely move with out consequence. It's a wonderful needed campaign. But I'm scared it isn't enough I'm scared it doesn't hold our own house accountable. Chris was killed inside a packed club in a small town in South Georgia where everyone knows everyone. To my knowledge there have been no leads or arrests. Unless karma has caught up to them, they are still walking this earth with a murder on their resume. Why have we been unable to find anything about his death, 6 years later? Stop Snitching has been so engraved into our DNA that it feels often black lives matter only when taken by a foreign enemy. But when it is in our house it's charged to the game. That gap is too big. Anyone who sees a black life as a statsistic and not a person is an enemy and should be held accountable.

Is it the music? That's not fair. It's not fair for someone else to raise your children. But the imprint is undeniable. I do think artists have to understand their impact on some level so when they get on a track for every educated adult who listens for recreation their is a 10 year old listening to the gospel . And with all gospels , the message is never fully transferred or understood, diluted to suit their own personal ideas and agenda.

It's frustrating. And sad more than anything.
I miss my cousin. It hurts to think that he passed at the hand of another man or group, that I'll never be able to understand. But God heals all, through the most dreadful of prescriptions, time, which inch by inch heals us. Scarred definitely but healed nonetheless. I've prayed for peace and through his mercy I've been granted such. We miss you Chris.

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