We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.- Charles Bukowski
How the fuck am I getting to 6 o'clock. Its an odyssey, some days are easier than others. I ask God for motivation. How am I going to get there. It’s 5:37 and I don’t know how I'm going to survive the next 12 hours. It's a fucking journey. How the fuck am I getting out of this bed. How the fuck am I going to make it.
She’s gone now. She’s how I made it this far. She really kept my sanity. And I blew it. I fucking blew it and now I’m staring down the barrel of a never ending gun disguised as a clock. How the fuck am I going to make it. 6pm. Fuck.
7:15am- incoming/outgoing text
Hi sweetie- this is mom. You have a package from Michelle Johnson of _____, ______, and ______ law offices about _______________. Make sure you call them back, they've called the house a couple of times. I’ll have Starr drop off the package at the post office when he goes in. Love you and have a good day.
Thanks mommy. Love you too
7:17am- Safari on phone scrolling
CNN Headline: President __________ escalates twitter feud with Papoose: “This is a presidential slaughter” (sub head “Remy Ma releases Melania-shether” in response)
ESPN- Have the ________________ finally found their wedge buster? Insider details on their 7th round, undrafted picks.
8:49am- incoming/outgoing text
Have a good day.
9:07am- Prayer- God I come to you tired. How am I going to make it out of today? Thank you for Friday. Monday’s aren't bad. Please give me enough to make it to work, to be productive, and for everything to go smoothly.
9:10am- Voice Call
Hey, I’m outside with the red shirt. No it’s red. I’m in the front of my apartment. No it’s not by the pool. I’m right outside. No it’s not by Goodyear. OK I see you. Wait don’t turn, go straight. OK come back. There you go.
Is there anything you want to listen to?
Do you have Gucci?
Um….I don’t think so, I’m on Pandora.
I have a Justin Beiber station.
That’s fine. Thank you ma’am.
9:33am- incoming text from Leayre
““Woe (judgment is coming) to the world because of stumbling blocks and temptations to sin! It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to the person on whose account or through whom the stumbling block comes! “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble and sin, cut it off and throw it away from you [that is, remove yourself from the source of temptation]; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into everlasting fire. If your eye causes you to stumble and sin, pluck it out and throw it away from you [that is, remove yourself from the source of temptation]; it is better for you to enter life with only one eye, than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fiery hell.”
MATTHEW 18:7-9 AMP
That man is Satan. It's not flesh and blood war, it's always a spiritual warfare.
I'm moved by a thought first. Take every thoughts into captivity. Meaning I'll analyze all that the thought will do.
Anything that offends me, cut it off. An offended person can't have a breakthrough because they are living in unforgiveness.
“The one on whom seed was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and at once welcomes it with joy; yet he has no [substantial] root in himself, but is only temporary, and when pressure or persecution comes because of the word, immediately he stumbles and falls away [abandoning the One who is the source of salvation]. And the one on whom seed was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the worries and distractions of the world and the deceitfulness [the superficial pleasures and delight] of riches choke the word, and it yields no fruit.”
MATTHEW 13:20-22 AMP
Stony ground is the condition of the heart or perception of life.
I can hear a word today and feel it and as soon as I walk out be tested...
In offense, it stagnates my prayer life. I'm rejecting god. I'm putting God down because I'm in offense.
Don't back down from persecution. Don't be offended by those who are meant to do wrong in my life. God is here to divide for his kingdom.
I'll receive tribulations and trials because of his word.
When I'm in offense, any relationship can cause me to question God.
The relationship didn't work out like I may have wanted because I have offended god by making that person my idol, my god.
Can't have a good relationship, before I get in the relationship, because I'm offended and I may not know.
Satan can catch me in a trap with my weaknesses.
If my own thoughts offend me, I have to go to God and confess that I'm hurt.
Once I do that...he's there to uplift and cleanse me.
Saying I'm hurt, he will release it all.
Offense will come but I can't get trapped down and burnt out.
“For it is not an enemy who taunts me-- Then I could bear it; Nor is it one who has hated me who insolently exalts himself against me-- Then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man my equal and my counsel, My companion and my familiar friend; We who had sweet fellowship together, Who walked to the house of God in company. Let death come deceitfully upon them; Let them go down alive to Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), For evil [of every kind] is in their dwelling and in their hearts, in their midst. As for me, I shall call upon God, And the LORD will save me.”
PSALM 55:12-16 AMP
Most offenses will come from those who are closest to you.
But that's not my battle, my battle comes from allowing God to enter in more than ever at that time.
As long as I'm in offense or bitter, I'm pushing those things that are good to and for me away.
“But I confess this to you, that according to the Way, which they call a [divisive and heretical] sect, I do worship and serve the God of our fathers, [confidently] believing everything that is in accordance with the Law [of Moses] and that is written in the Prophets; having [the same] hope in God which these men cherish themselves, that there shall certainly be a resurrection of [the dead], both of the righteous and of the wicked. In view of this, I also do my best and strive always to have a clear conscience before God and before men.”
ACTS 24:14-16 AMP
1. I have to make up my mind that I deserve to have life and life more abundantly. No one should be able to take that away from me.
2. I need to forgive for me and not for them.
3. My conscious can be seared if I stay where I am in offense.
4. Give it to God and expect my life to be whole and better.
9:57am- outgoing/incoming text to Leayre
Thank you brother.
9:58am Prayer- Thank you God.
"Our system is the height of absurdity, since we treat the culprit both as a child, so as to have the right to punish him, and as an adult, in order to deny him consolation." - Claude Levi Strauss
10:00am Internal Monologue- Every day I crawl into this office. Literally crawl. I stand at the elevator and gingerly push the button up. I do not want to walk in. I walk in and I look out to a sea of headphones. Everyone plugged in to a podcast, Drake, hell Netflix for the bold. And we type. We type and repeat. We don’t think. We are drones. We are cube numbers. To heighten our importance we label something high importance or urgent. So that way we can go to the front of the nameless line. I sit down at my desk. I cut my computer on, and wait...wait for it to load. OK now here is the login screen. Oh wait its fucking Monday and it shuts back down. OK now it's reloading. Time to login. I'm going to go get some coffee, it won't get to the home page for another 10 minutes. Maybe a muffin. Definitely a muffin. I’m gluten free (right) so no muffin. Shit I wanted a muffin. According to CNN, water is gluten free so I’ll have that instead. Removing gluten and sodium should help extend my life about 30 more minutes so I'm on the right path (according to WebMD). Shit it's moving slow today. I'm in no rush. Fuck I forgot to download Bodega Boys. Let me see if I have any data…
10:05am incoming text -You have used 90 percent of your data. Login to _____ to manage data, storage….
Fuck, why doesn't this office have wifi? ____________ has cost me about $500 bucks in data fees, overages, what the fuck ever since I started. OK here comes one of the bosses. Let me look like I’m trying to get this computer to start any faster. I’ve been complaining about this fucking computer since November and nothing has changed. If anything it's gotten slower. I cannot possible exist. Not anymore than so I can reply “help desk solved my ticket”. I’m a statistic.
This gluten free, sodium free, carb free diet is hell. I gotta make up for Friday night. That jumbo shrimp platter is going to come back to haunt me. Water and fruit for the week. Alright now it's on, after 20 minutes. My manager is working from home today. Must be nice.
10:23 am- email Instant Message (3 participants)
Her: Hey I'm going downstairs did anyone need anything.
Him: Can you grab some coffee? I’ll Venmo you the cash
Me: Do they have muffins?
Her: I think so.
Me: I’ll take one. Blueberry.
Voicemail-11:22am- Hi this is _________ from ___________ calling on behalf of ______________. We received your letter in regard to the property, however we are wanting to know if there can be an arrangement made. While the sale is tomorrow we wanted to see if we can make a deal. Is it possible to pay half today, top the sale, then pay the remaining balance in three months? Can you please make a miracle happen? Please call me back at _______________ extension __________. We appreciate you working with us!
Team, following up with our meeting last week a couple of key things.
- We measure production on what you can accomplish in a 7 hour day. Those who are able to produce more are reflected in our productivity report. It is our aim to be able to leave work early every Friday if all work is completed throughout the week.
- ________ and __________ have PTO this week and we will need everyone to step up and fill in on their workload.
- Our goal once again is to get everyone out of here earlier on Friday. Make sure you are working diligently throughout the week so Friday can be a breeze.
- We want to give our employees more opportunities for advancement and make that transition a breeze. We have streamlined our process and look forward to offering more exciting opportunities.
Team, please be advised PTO will be used for those that don't reach 40 hours each week. Please make sure your time sheets are updated prior to submission. This is mandated from HR. Also no team member may leave prior to 4:30. Anyone leaving early must provide a written notification or be subject to loss of PTO. Also all transfers must have a written request approved by two managers, no call outs in the last 8 months, an updated resume, cover letter, a request to interview that must be approved by 3 managers, no write ups, and 5 references not including your current manager or supervisor. Anyone not meeting these requirements while transferring is subject to the loss of PTO. Thank you.
All that loving must have been lacking something, If I got bored trying to figure you out. You let me down- Fiona Apple
She left me. She got tired of the bullshit.
I’m sorry man.
I wish I knew better.
What ,the bullshit? You weren't able to figure that out?
It’s not bullshit.
Bullshit. Every man knows when he’s full of shit.
But I wasn't.
So what were you full of .
Love. She was my queen and the apple of my eye. She made my days go by and my nights a dream.
So , bullshit.
Humor and sadness are colleagues. Humor revels in the absurdity of life and stagger along with a merry gait . Sadness never sees the light, it instead thinks each situation is different, it broods, it mourns, it cries. That's where sadness is wrong and humor is wise. Humor knows nothing is new, for there is nothing new under the sun. Sadness thinks it is unique, but it's not. It’s rehashed and repackaged but it is not unique. And that's what hurts the most. - unknown
2:15pm incoming text
- You think love is a lyric., It's not. Love is the actual bass, the rhythm. You don’t know that. You think it's just pretty . It’s a devastating commitment to one another, and it's fucking hard. It’s the hardest and scariest thing I ever did. Or tried. Or wanted to , whatever. It’s hard. You wanted love to be camelot ,but you never prepared for the other side when love is dark, and painful. Love is sleepless, its restless. Its paranoia, it's heartbreak. Where were you? Where we you in our love? Were you ever there? Is any of this real? Was it real? Love isn't chasing someone, its holding on and figuring out how to make it all work out. That's what love is. And that's what you don't know shit about.
2:17pm. I’m sorry about how you felt Friday. And I’ll never stop loving you. But I need a break
3 days earlier, 10:45am incoming/outgoing text- I'll have to tell you later. In person. Liiike its a long story and theres pictures. When you off?
Every morning I ask God to give me something to get through my job. Something to get through work. I hate my job and everyday I need something to get to 6, 6:30pm. I got to work this morning and it was beyond busy especially for a Friday. And I went to the bathroom and I asked God to give me something anything to get through this day and to 6. Anything. And I didn't get any response and I started to cry. I felt like I didn't exist at first. But then it shifted to that I do exist but nobody cares. Nobody cares I work two jobs or bust my ass for the team doing work that I could give a fuck about. No one cares I got transferred to a new office and I'm sitting here just waiting on my marching papers on whenever that day comes. I have never felt that empty. I felt broken. And I began to cry. I couldn't find any reason to do my work at all. I'm used to money what little I have. I just had nothing. I pleaded with God in his mercy to give me something. But I didn't hear anything. And all the emotional shit, the breakup, the lawsuit, it hit me and I bawled.
I got myself together wiped my face and walked back to my desk and stared at a mountain of work. Then I got a text from an HR manager about my resume and asking me to call to schedule an interview. Then one of my teammates volunteered to help me with my workload. God answered me. Not when I wanted but when I needed it. He didn't forget about me. I had to say this not to get you to subscribe to any particular faith or even whine about my current situation. I just had to tell somebody.
3:18pm Personal Email, incoming - Dear loyal __________ shopper, you are eligible for free shipping if you pre order NFL Draft 2K18 in the next 4 hours! Take advantage, this offer won’t be around for long!
4:20pm incoming/outgoing text-
Hey you trying to burn?
It’s a Monday.
Oh OK, you right.
You got some bud?
Like half a blunt from Saturday.
OK bet, I’ll be at the crib by 7.
4:35pm Incoming email-
_____________ is proud to announce our summer deals with Panasonic! All VHS, CD players and DVD blu ray disc are 15 percent off valid through the 18th. Bring your _____________ employee ID and copy of driver's license for eligibility when checking out.
4:50pm- Internal monologue-
One more hour and I’m done with my work. All the managers are gone so I can get on wikipedia (most of our sites are blocked, plus I’m a dork. Don’t judge me). Ah shit there go __________, let me click back out. Let me clear out my email. Nothing has come in. Ok he packed up, bet. I should be good….nope there go ________. Let me go take a 30 minute bathroom break. I spend a lot of time trying to look busy, they’d save money if they let me go home. But nope, there goes PTO if I leave. Let me walk slow to the bathroom, should buy me 20 seconds.
5:16pm Incoming/outgoing text-
I love you, I’m proud of you. Think good thoughts.
5:20 pm Text outgoing-
I loved you. No matter what it might've seemed like, whatever you thought was going on, I loved you. It was real. It’s still real. I’m sorry.
5:59 pm Incoming email - hey______ can you...
DO YOU WISH TO SHUTDOWN YOUR COMPUTER (SHUTDOWN, RESTART, CANCEL).
6:08pm Voice call- Hey, hey! Can you hear me? I’m outside building __. Yea the GPS must have put you on the backside of the building, I’m around the front. Yea. No I’m in the red shirt by the parking lot. No he's outside building _. That's someone else. Yea thats someone else. No this is me waving, yea right here.
Is there anything you would like to listen to.
Do you have an aux cord?
Ah no, I don’t have one sorry man. I just have this charger, using it to play music. I’m on spotify.
That’s fine, do you have any Gucci?
Nah. I got Feist though.
Ok that's fine. Thank you sir.
I'm satisfied and proud of the things I did—even the bumps and the bruises that I've had on the way. You fall down, you get up, you brush yourself off and you keep going. And that's what we're doing.- Radric Davis
6:46 pm- Notice on apartment door
It has come to our attention many of our residents are taking shopping carts from Kroger. Please do not take shopping carts from Kroger, it makes our neighborhood look unkempt.
Sincerely, _____________ at _______________ leasing staff
7:06pm- incoming/outgoing text
I’m leaving the house now, I’ll be there in about 15-20.
That’s a bet.
8:58pm- incoming text- Hey i'm outside
I’m sorry about ol girl.
I liked her, she was real pretty.
Yea she was cool. I loved her.
Yea I know. You’ll be ok.
I’ve been reading Carver lately.
Really, thats a different take.
Yea its weird.
He writes about regular shit, I just think it's different.
Did you get everything you wanted out of this life?
I would like to think I have a few more years.
Shut up you know what I meant. Is this life everything you wanted?
It is. It has been. I want to be understood.
What does that mean.
I want to be understood as someone who loved. Who loved hard and passionately. And any mistakes I made were as a result of that. I didn't want anything else.
Are you understood?
I’m smoking weed on a Monday talking about Raymond Carver. You understand me. I think I’ll be ok.
10:17pm text outgoing- Good Night!
10:31pm text incoming- Good Night...
10:47pm Personal Email, incoming - Dear loyal __________ shopper, you are eligible for free shipping if you pre order NFL Draft 2K18 in the next 12 hours! Take advantage, this offer won’t be around for long!
11:00pm- God I ask you to give me courage to fight my fears. I am a broken man and I am afraid. I am terrified to fail. I always wonder if I can bounce back If i can rebound. And every time i don't know. Failure stains me, it doesn't roll off my back. But you help me heal. My greatest gift I have is i'm hard to kill. I find a way and that's because of you. Thank you God. I ask to get to 6 every day but you make sure I make it way past that.